The anguish of pain I have endured is now to the point of unbearable. Caring for my Mother, 93 years of age with cancer. My Daughter being newly diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder as well as having Diabetes Type-1 and ADHD. I am only 1 person. My Brother repeated the old adage “God will only place on you no more than you can bare.”
As the youngest of 4 children, I often question why I am the ‘only’ one caring for Momma. None of my siblings have offered to help with her. 2 have visited and call to check on her. 1 has never been here. Only 1 has said ‘Thank you’ to me, she is the oldest of us.
Should I even question God with my “Why me?” It is so painful to see what I see. It is as if God holds back my emotions when it is time to make serious decisions or a life threatening event is upon us. Reflecting on this amazes me. When I found Momma at the bottom of the stairs after a fall in the middle of the night, I reacted quickly and calmly. After sharing this with my eldest Sister she told me, “Better it was you, I would have been at the bottom with her.” Letting me know she couldn’t have stood it.
Is this the answer to my “Why?” I don’t see myself as a strong person. I don’t know what I am. I do know that I am dedicated to making my Mother and Daughter safe and comfortable by Gods grace.
When my Daughter was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, I again was hurt to my core. After being with one Medical Facility for 13 years…you mean to tell me she has been MISDIAGNOSED? Lord intervene on this. Because to have THIS drop in my lap at this TIME is TOO much for me to take! Then to be told, “There are no services for this disorder in your area. So you must go to AutismSpeaks.org for help.” Mercy Father, please…are these people serious? Yes, they are. Where are you, my God? I am in several battles. I am in need of you.
Then to be taunted by my Sister 2 years older than I. Salt has been tossed into my face on top of all that I am dedicated to. She is a thorn in my soul.
Looking over everything, I was told in a Sermon to stop asking “Why?” I can understand that now. It is how I react when under a test that makes a lasting impact and strengthens my faith in God as my refuge. My provider. My burden bearer. My standard holder. My champion within a battle. My conqueror. My all in all.
It has been more than a year since I’ve been on this journey with Momma’s health. Only a month with my Daughters new diagnosis. I am learning patience. Temperance, I am struggling with. It seems that I’ve a way to go. I humbly admit this. If I can look into the mirror and not look for others to be there with me-I’ll be less angry. You see, I need to look into the mirror and see ‘me alone’. I can only walk this walk by myself. I cannot blame others or expect others to get me out of what is mine to bare. This mountain has my name etched in it. Father, grace me with all I need to see you as my life line while I am dedicated to the tasks presented me at this time. May the tears that have turned to salt upon my face be wiped by your Angels. Seal my heart with love, temperance and patience for my siblings. Allow my eyes to be fixed on you alone for all that I need. Not to the left, nor to the right-for these are distractions that serve to anger and disillusion me. Forgive me when I toss blame as feed to chickens. I am no greater than another. I am in need of you and you alone. For you alone are sure. Your help and provision alone is sufficient. Your protection alone is perfect. Your healing alone is final.
So my Father, my Lord, how much more can I endure without you? No more, my God. I can do nothing without you, my Lord.