I know many are used to the photos I post of Momma. Her journey has turned. The dream of her, that she told me and my siblings, of her seeing Jesus lifted up on the cross, then her name written in the Lambs Book of Life.
As a Christian, this is our hope.
As Mommas human daughter, I grew up being Her Baby. I was always welcomed into her bed after leaving mine. Her sheets were never wrinkled. She always had the radio on to another states program. She taught me about Old Time Radio and Masterpiece Theatre; Anna Karenina. Midnight hour preachers that spit and sputter into the microphone. It was always fire and damnation. That is when I would scoot under Momma and grab her night gown. She would turn over to place me on her chest. She would explain his down home way of preaching. But, to listen to the words he is saying. If it isn’t from the Bible, keep moving. Something in me just now wanted to put an emoji at the end of the last sentence!
There have been days I have broken down and cried. I am mourning before Mom has passed. The change has been so drastically quick. When I say, I literally have no clue. You better hear me.
My daughter is having a very hard time with her Grandmothers illness journey. See too has gone through many emotions. Now, times that by 15. Her ASD has been unkindly exacerbated by COVID19. Her mental and physical health have been assaulted and challenged. She feels as if her life has been stolen from her. First, by Momma getting sick. Second, by my having to do it alone. It has left me no time for her. She’s My Baby.
Right now, my future position is precarious. This journey has made me truly stand for what I believe. No more than just my toes in the water. I see the absolute fear in Mommas eyes now that the pain is unbearably clock work. Tears running down both our faces as I administer and she receives the morphine. I know what I hope, for me and my daughter. That’s been laid at the Altar, already.
We used to take things day by day. Now, it’s moment by moment.
Alicia / XOXO