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Psalm 118:9 New International Version

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in princes.

“We’ve been blessed to have a caregiving journey that has lasted as long as it has.”-A.Gilliam

Yes. At times I’ve felt beat down to the bones of my feet. It has been about what Momma needs. Get it done.

I recall having little to no emotion while discussing my Mothers’ condition, concerns & care with Physicians. A switch inside of me had been turned off.

It was a good thing for me. I didn’t have to address my emotions. I got no physical assistance from my 3 older siblings. Except, in 2018 I asked my sister to buy Mom some winter pajamas. She did. Why should I have to ask them for anything. Isn’t the proper respect for them be to ask? I thought so, too.

They all told me they weren’t coming to help me care for her. Now, as it stands, they are not attending her Home Going~when that time comes. I have felt so physically alone for over 6 years, it’s tragic.

I would say that some of the brightest days during these years have been my Daughters NAMiss Teen Pageantry involvement. Then, there was her High School Graduation. We were planning her next move…then Momma had blood clots. In her right lung, her groin & down her left leg to her foot. Next, COVID19. Here we are today.

Momma is now on Comfort Care with a Hospice Co. We’re 3 weeks in and the other shoe was thrown down in front of me like a glove. They want Mom’s bed downstairs ‘…sooner. Rather, than later.’ They also want to give Momma morphine.

I’m not good with certain situations in my home. It’s destructive. My Daughter has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), her verbal delivery on her Grandmother’s health can be difficult. So, educating her in What Saith The Lord is a pleasure. To see the wonder, joy and peace He has available to us in every situation keeps her asking questions about Him.

I cannot deny I have seen, felt and heard the LORDS Glory. I’ve trembled as the Israelites did when at the base of the Mountain of God, they heard Him. I learned about what a WarRoom was and made one. I had organized time with God. Then Momma was low sick. She was fighting 4 infections to no avail. She was hospitalized for over 4 days. Returning home the day after her 98th birthday, she wouldn’t be same. A new baseline. She was weaker, more nervous, her appetite was up and down, vision severely impared, partially deaf, lung cancer and Dementia.

With hospice on board, I was at peace. Now, I am uncomfortable with the turn their involvement has taken. It feel as if they are rushing her life to an end. I know God isn’t pleased with this. I’m truly not. In my heart of hearts, I told God and my Pastor, “I feel that hospice is murder.”

Even more so, I feel betrayed. They capitalized on my exhaustion, my fear, my faith, my love for Momma. Now, they expect me to bend to their will. GOD HAS NOT TOLD ME THAT.

Stay tuned, our journey continues…